I’m sorry to start this for saying I honestly hate you now. Not the fuck-you-I-wish-you-to-die kind of I hate you but the I-am-in-pain kind of I hate you. You may or may not understand why I have so much anger in me because of what happened. Not the last thing we argued about but ALL the things YOU DID including the things I’ve known that hurt my feelings. I don’t blame everything on you, it’s just that you should have told me you don’t trust me or you don’t want someone telling me stories about you or anything that you haven’t told me yet. THE REAL THING THAT’S IN YOUR HEART. I could have accepted that and so at least from then we could have part ways. Did I ever matter to you? You know what, I still ask myself what have I done to deserve this? I know I am such a douché but what? Fuck not being enough. I remember how much it excites me to tell you all the things I used to. And it sucks because you’re not that person to me anymore. I don’t think there is still one. You were the one person I was supposed to be able to count on for anything and everything. We were SUPPOSED TO BE best friends forever or at least that’s what I know — but the next thing I knew, we were growing farther and farther apart because maybe EVERYTHING JUST EXISTED IN ME ALONE. MAYBE I MADE UP EVERYTHING IN MY MIND. Did you really care for me? How could you hurt me if you did? Do you know how much I suffer crying every night because of this? It’s really painful. Really. I don’t know why even though things no longer favor us, I still want to thank you. Thank you for being the best — and dealing with everything that comes with that. Thank you for the nights we stayed up til dawn just talking and laughing. Thank you for taking me for me, and not ever letting others’ inferences get in the way. And thank you for being the best friend I needed during that part of my life. I know things will change I just don’t know how I’d listen to the songs we shared including my favourite band, how I’d watch movies and tv series the same way again and how I’d go to places where we used to hang out together. I hate you and I hope you understand why. Just don’t ask me why. Do you know how much it hurts me doing this and FEELING ALL THESE? I’m so close to my suicidal stage again. I’m trying to focus on things which are in reality far important than this but I don’t know why I still think you are the most important. That’s how you are to me despite how things ended up, because of that, I will always love you. Sometimes, I still see screenshots of our old conversations and ask myself “where did it all go?”. And whenever I see something that reminds me of you or an inside joke, I almost always almost send it to you. I don’t think there will ever be a day when you don’t cross my mind at least once, but I hope the sadness and hurt will soon fade, and I will learn to look at you as a cherished memory.
Everyone picks out their ways in life, and I guess your way just no longer twists with mine. Well, I know you are happy now and I really do wish you the best. I bid you good luck and I will always pray for you and I hope you’ll find someone who is a far better person than me and whom you’ll trust so much and won’t be such a pain in the ass. Just know that I cherish the memories we made and wouldn’t trade them for anything because after all I know I HAVE LOVED YOU SO MUCH and YOU HAVE HELD THE BIGGEST PART OF MY HEART. Know that even if I don’t go up to you when you see me, I will always be grateful to have called you my best friend. Thank you, Enderw.
Love always,
Your Ex-Best Friend
salve regina 